'I'll just call the sommelier, sir.' To your average restaurant goer, the arrival of the wine waiter - patronising, black-aproned and bristling with Gallic condescension - can be an uncomfortable experience. At their worst, sommeliers can make you wish you'd stayed at home, or gone to a BYO instead. Bad sommeliers recommend wines you can't afford, prescribe poor food and wine matches, know little or nothing about the bottles on their list and make you feel like an ignoramus.

Virtually every wine expert I know has had a run-in with a sommelier, usually in France. Two of my friends were taken to the local police station in Beaune when they refused to pay for an oxidised red Burgundy. And I once had a stand-up argument with a sommelier in Albi. I thought a Pic St Loup he'd poured me was corked; he claimed I didn't understand its 'unique' character.

Eventually he gave way. 'As you've chosen a cheap wine, I will replace it,' he told me sniffily. If experts find sommeliers intimidating (or just plain irritating),imagine how the poor punter feels. No wonder they get flustered at times.One of my favourite sommelier stories illustrates the point. At a restaurant in Las Vegas, a pimply high school student was sitting with his date on Prom night. 'Are you the Samurai?' he asked a man fingering a tastevin, his voice tight with tension. 'Some people call me that,' the indulgent sommelier replied ,'but I'm also known as the wine waiter.'

Not all sommeliers are dreadful, even in France. The best ones - Gérard Basset, executive director at Hôtel du Vin (UK restaurant chain), David Ridgway at La Tour d'Argent (Paris), Ronan Sayburn at Gordon Ramsay, Jason McAuliffe at Chez Bruce, Joëlle Marti at the Great Eastern Hotel (all in London) to name a few of my favourites - can, as they say in America, 'enhance your dining experience'. A sommelier who knows his list can steer you towards bargains, tell you what's drinking well at the moment and encourage you to try wines you don't know. (I discovered Petite Arvine,a wonderful Swiss variety, thanks to an adventurous sommelier.)

I think it helps if they know a bit about food,too, but still have an open mind. If the diner wants to drink Sauternes with rump steak, then so be it; after all, he's paying the bill. If he's any good - and most of them aren't - a sommelier should know the wine you want to order and have tasted it recently. He or she should also know how to remove a cork and decant a wine (watch out for tell-tale sludge in the bottom of your glass) and should make sure that when a bottle arrives at your table, it is served at the right temperature. Talking of which, here's a tip for you:if you want to get your own back on an overbearing sommelier ask him for an ice bucket to chill your red wine.Or better still, mix it with Coca- Cola.

· Famous drinkers - The Earl of Rochester

If poetry was the rock'n'roll of the seventeenth century, Lord Rochester was more of a Liam Gallagher than a Moby. For five years he was stiff with drink, slept with a succession of beautiful mistresses, regularly drew his sword in defence of his raunchy lifestyle, and declared himself 'a man whom it is the great Mode to hate'.

Thankfully he was usually in the favour of King Charles II, about whom he graciously wrote: 'Peace is his aim, his gentleness is such, / And love he loves, for he loves fucking much'. Rochester was passionate about sex and drink in equal measure: 'Cupid and Bacchus my saints are; / May drink and love still reign. / With wine I was away my cares, / And then to cunt again.'

Unfortunately the mixture proved an impotent cocktail as he complained of his 'dart of love' that once 'carelessly invade woman or man' lying 'Shrunk up and sapless'. In 1680, aged 33, he lay alone in bed dying of syphilis, gathering just enough energy to repent his debauchery and renounce drink forever.
Chloe Diski

· Top six wines for January

2001 El Cachorro, Central Valley (£3.99,Oddbins)
This Chilean-sourced, garishly labelled Cabernet is a perfect pizza and pasta basher at under £4, with flavours of mint and blackcurrants.

2002 Douglas Green Sauvignon Blanc (£4.59, Safeway)
South Africa is in danger of overtaking both France and New Zealand as a source of good value Sauvignon Blanc. This nettley, gooseberry and tropical fruit-like white is a steal.

2001 Somerfield Limited Release Pinotage (£4.99)
A wine that shows South Africa's most distinctive red grape in all its glory. A deeply coloured, perfumed red that encapsulates the variety's liquorice, baked banana and blackberry fruity weirdness.

2000 Domaine de Valmoissine Pinot Noir, Vin de Pays du Coteaux du Verdon (£7.49, Majestic; Handford Wine Co.)
This forward, supple, full-bodied, strawberry fruity red, made by Burgundian house Louis Latour in the south of France, is ideal for Pinotphiles on a budget.

1999 Chablis Premier Cru, Montmain (£12.99,Marks & Spencer)
A classic, unoaked style with notes of honey and minerality and racy, palate-tingling acidity.

· My best buy:

2001 Ruppertsberg Riesling, Pfalz (£5.99,Sainsbury's)
Dry German Riesling can be an acquired taste, but the style works well in the more southerly Pfalz region. Fresh and apple crisp with an undertone of peach, melon and citrus fruitiness, this a German wine with real personality.