Fortnum and Mason Duck mousse original, £21.20 per kg, www.fortnumandmason.com
A classic: lovely, long and rounded taste of duck's liver and an appealingly smooth texture. *****
Safeway The Best with oranges and cream, 400g, £2.99, (01622 712 000)
The mention of cream is irrelevant, but there's a nice orangey taste; a good play on that old stager, duck à l'orange. ****
Selfridges duck mousse paté, £17.50 per Kg, stockists 08708 377 377
A strong gamey flavour that makes it taste curiously of chicken livers, though not unpleasant for all that. An interesting loose texture. ****
Marks and Spencer duck and truffle paté medallions , 100g, £2.49, stockists 020 7268 1234
Sweet and cloying with an unpleasant alcoholic end. And as for truffles, we'll have to take their word for it because we couldn't taste them. *
Waitrose duck paté , 175g, £2.49, stockists 0800 188 884
When will these people learn? Less is so very much more. There's tarragon in this, which starts off adding a medicinal back note and ends up completely overwhelming it. No stars
BUTTER
Tesco Finest Brittany Butter , 250g, 99p
Hats off to Tesco for sourcing a great product. Lovely crunchy flakes of salt and a fine, creamy whipped flavour and texture. *****
Sainsbury's Taste The Difference Beurre d'Isigny, 215g, £1.09
Rich and creamy with a nicely balanced saltiness. A good everyday butter. ****
Bridel, Waitrose, 215g, £1.19
Crunchy salt crystals and a dense, creamy texture . A slight, appealing farmyard taste reminding you that the basic ingredient came from an animal. *****
Président, widely available, 250g approx 95p
Lacks the character of the Tesco or Bridel butter, but as good as you would expect of one of the most popular French brands. ****
Le Vieux Bourg Beurre de Baratte , Fortnum and Mason, 250g, £1.90
Hmm. A distinctly acquired taste on account of its pronounced cheesiness. Some might regard this one as well over the top. **
BAGUETTE
Sainsbury's 69p
Biscuity, but not necessarily in a good way. Lifeless. Can't any British supermarket make a bloody baguette? *
Selfridges £1.95
A baguette should have a crisp shell, a white crumb with varied texture and a good yeasty smell of bread. This one is tight, compact, floppy and lifeless. The technical term is: horrible. No stars
Waitrose 42p
And this one too. You could use it as a draught excluder it's so floppy. No stars
Tesco 37p
Smells of absolutely nothing. And, funnily enough, it doesn't taste of anything either. No stars
M &S 69p
Thank God for M&S. This is hardly a classic but the crust has a bit of crunch, there's a texture to the crumb and it smells right. ***
ROQUEFORT
Tesco, 100g, £1.59, stockists 0800 505 555
Very creamy and bold. A cheese that doesn't let you forget you've eaten it. A nice acidity too. *****
Societé Roquefort Widely available, 100g approx £2.10
Creamy and a good Roquefort flavour without being too salty, the most common problem with this cheese. A fine product. ****
Sainsbury's Taste The Difference £16.99 per Kg, stockists 0800 636 262
Almost more Stilton than Roquefort but it's not unappealing. ***
Fortnum and Mason Roquefort 'Carles' £32.80 per kg
Very creamy, with a flowery, perfumed end. An idiosyncratic cheese which may not be to everybody's taste. **
M & S 100g, £2.35
There's a point when a blue cheese is so strong it starts heading towards the category headed 'off'; this is one of those. Has an edge of soapiness to it. *
BRIE
M & S Traditional Normandy brie, 200g, £1.65
The best of an under-whelming bunch. Smells and tastes of brie but each individually packaged triangular piece has rinded sides which need to be cut off. ****
Safeway The Best brie de meaux, 170g, £2.15
Smells and tastes like a brie, but this piece was not finished. There was a chalky vein running straight down the middle. No excuse for that. ***
Somerfield French brie, £6.69 per kg, stockists 0117 935 9359
This has the best, smooth runny texture of the lot, but there is no depth to the flavour and no long end. It simply doesn't follow through. **
Brie le Rustique, available from Waitrose 200g, £1.99
Desperately unimpressive. Or, as Michel put it 'This one lacks bollocks'. **
Co-op mild and creamy French brie, £6.39 per kg, stockists 0800 0686727
Horrible. Barely qualifies as cheese and certainly not as brie. Nasty, artificial taste. No stars
TARTE AU CITRON
M & S £3.49
There's a proper crunch to the short pastry and the filling ticks all the boxes. It's light and there's a proper lemon kick. A very good attempt. ****
Waitrose from patisserie counter £3.25
Fine smooth and tangy filling with a real taste of lemon zest. Let down by the sponge cake base. ***
Tesco Finest £3.29
Was this ever introduced to a real lemon? A curiously artificial taste and, again, a very thick pastry base. *
Somerfield £3.19
A French lemon tart should have a crisp biscuity base and a full, light and lemon-sharp filling. This manages to have neither. *
Safeway The Best £3.49
If this really is the best you can do we'd hate to meet the bog-standard product. The pastry is uncooked and the filling is decidedly insipid. *
CROISSANT
Tesco 51p
The only one that is a proper crescent shape which suggests it may have been finished by hand. A good mouth feel but a little bland. ***
M & S 45p
As close as you will find to a French croissant. It smells and tastes of pure butter and you can see the leaves. Not too mass- produced. ****
Sainsbury's 45p
There are, at least, leaves, but it's doughy and there's a taste of something other than butter in here. **
Pret a Manger 50p
It tastes of butter and there are good leaves but, despite that, it's just a sad, floppy and seemingly unloved creature. **
Starbucks £1
A monster of a croissant and it smells right, but there are no flaky leaves. It's a big lump of cotton wool on the mouth. No yeasty acidity. *
DIJON MUSTARD
Morrisons, 200g, 55p, stockists 01274 615 196
Big-fisted on the mustard kick front but not much to say for itself where flavour is concerned. Like most knuckleheads it's a touch dull. ****
Maille, widely available, 210g, approx 95p
One of the most popular French brands, with good reason. It's a gentle beast compared to the Grey Poupon but has a good flavour. *****
Grey Poupon, widely available, 215g, approx £1.10
The real McCoy. A big kick but also a pronounced flavour of wine without any bitterness. A fine, strong mustard. *****
Safeway, 200g, 65p
Good for the nose. And the sinuses. And the tear ducts. It certainly doesn't let you forget you've eaten it. There's also a touch of bitterness. An acquired taste. ****
Tesco Dijon mustard 185g, 54p
Very sweet. More like a sandwich pickle than a Dijon mustard. Would go very well with frankfurters. No punch to it. **
COGNAC
Hine Antique, available from Harrods, 70cl, £75,
The real thing: A complex yet subtle fragrance that balances orange peel, and cinnamon, followed by a rich taste of bitter chocolate, coffee, then Asian spices. Wow! #42;****
Frapin Premier Grand Cru VSOP, available from Selfridges, 70cl, £32.50
An inviting amber colour smelling of orchard blossoms, vanilla and almond. Starts off delicately on the palate, before bursting with dried citrus peel and roasted chestnuts. ****
Fortnum and Mason, 70cl, £19. 95p
Soft 'cooked' flavours of banana and toffee and light floral tones on the nose. A moderately smooth drink but with a strange, medicinal finish. **
Martell V. S, 70cl, widely available, approx £17.99
This could do with growing up a bit. It has an overpowering taste, reminiscent of treacle toffee combined with a real kick up the nostrils of vanilla and cooked apple. *
FRENCH BEER
Jenlain bière blonde speciale, Sainsbury's 65cl, £1.99
This one is terribly moreish. It has a refreshing creamy nose with complex hints of juniper, toasted marshmallows and honey. Light bodied and milky smooth. *****
Sainsbury's bière des Flandres, 12x25cl, £2.99
This one is dry and crisp and actually tastes of hops but there is an odd flavour in there too, reminiscent of sweet parsnips. **
Bière de Lys, Oddbins, 12x25cl, £3.99, stockists 0800 917 4093
Deeper chestnut colour but tastes of malt loaf and bitter almonds - and not in a good way. *
Waitrose French lager 12x25cl, £4.99
A pale watery straw colour which doesn't mislead because it's watery on the finish too. Smells of fake confectionery and tastes sharp and tangy before dropping away to not very much. *
Remy Martin, widely available, 70cl approx £26.49
A nice smooth aroma of liquorice and caramelised pineapple, while on the palate there's a drier spiciness of cloves and nutmeg, but the finish is rougher. **
