Where's the food, then? It was ordered ages ago and Aries is starving. Another hunk of stale baguette is not going to hit the spot. It's time to complain. Where's the waiter? In fact, where's the boss?

The astrological Ram can be a dangerous beast, inclined to charge without warning, especially when hungry. As the first sign of the zodiac, with energetic Mars as its totem planet, Aries is invariably in a hurry. There are gym workouts to complete, hills to walk, fast cars to drive, professional peaks to scale. All these require plenty of fuel, though the Ram's high-octane metabolism can burn up the calories fast. The characteristic Aries build is athletic or wiry - you'll have to search hard for a plump sample (the overblown Marlon Brando is a dreadful warning of what happens when Aries stops moving).

This tribe know what they like. Elaborate dishes are not their style, certainly not in the kitchen where their approach favours speedy fry-ups and fast salads. Life's too short for picture meals. This is a sign with a strong competitive streak, however, so if there's a Michelin star at stake it should, by rights, be theirs. Speed makes the Aries kitchen a noisy place, full of casually handled boiling pans and the flying plates that can result from that Martian temper.

Foods associated with Aries are the pungent, spicy plants of Mars - onion, leek, garlic, cayenne, capers and mustard - plus, of course, the sacrificial Sunday roast lamb. Once the eating's done it's time to get the plates off the table and move on. What are we waiting for? Let's go.