1. Montgomery cheddar is:
a) A leading player on the Professional Golfers' Association circuit.
b) The last word in cheesy pleasure.
c) Good, but not quite as good as Keen's cheddar.
2. This season you will be using:
a) Sun-dried tomatoes.
b) Sun-blushed tomatoes.
c) Sun-frotaged tomatoes.
3. The late Lionel Poilne's sourdough bread costs £10 a loaf because:
a) It's sold at Waitrose.
b) It weighs 1.9kgs and lasts a week.
c) You're worth it.
4. The best olive oil in the world comes from:
a) Lucca.
b) Sainsbury's.
c) A single hectare of olive trees in deepest Monte Amiata, the location of which you will not reveal even if we connect live electrodes to your nipples.
5. The last time you ate pork you knew:
a) It had come from Tesco's.
b) It had come from a fine Gloucester Old Spot.
c) It had come from a fine Gloucester Old Spot whose name was Percy, that he lived on a diet of hand-harvested acorns, was only washed in the farmer's family bath, dried off with fluffy Habitat towels and was eventually slaughtered by a consultant anaesthetist with rooms on Harley Street and a fine bedside manner.
6. The finest aged balsamic vinegars from Modena are best for:
a) Cleaning old coins.
b) Sipping from dainty glasses as if they were vintage sherries.
c) Robust salad dressings.
7. The best chocolates in Britain are:
a) In the Continental Collection from Thorntons.
b) The salt caramels from L'Artisan du chocolat, Lower Sloane Street, London SW1.
c) From Pierre Marcolini's shop in Kensington and so what if they cost £100 a kilo? It's your bloody money and you can spend it how you like. What price beauty? As the Imelda Marcos once said.
8. Gastronomically the Black Country in the West Midlands is famous for:
a) Pork scratchings.
b) E Coli.
c) Absolutely bugger all.
9. Maldon Sea Salt tastes:
a) Lovely.
b) Exactly the same as cheap table salt and you're a mug for spending all that money.
c) Slightly better than fleur de sel from the Guérande and not quite as good as Oshima Island Blue Label Salt from the Pacific.
10. Buying free range organic meat is a good idea because:
a) It encourages the humane treatment of livestock.
b) It tastes better.
c) It's seriously expensive which means the proles can't afford it and will therefore never discover the true deliciousness of being rich.
Answers (no cheating, now)
1. a)0 b)3 c)5
2. a)0 b)3 c)5
3. a)5 b)5 c)5 (They are, of course, all true.)
4. a)3 b)0 c) 5
5. a)0 b)3 c)5
6. a)0 b)5 c)3
7. a)0 b)3 c)5
8. a)3 b)3 c)5
9. a)3 b)0 c)5
10. a)0 b)3 c)5
Score
0-10 You are a buyer from Iceland.
10-25 You are Delia Smith.
25-40 You need to get a life.
40+ You are Minty from BBC2's Posh Food.
