Do not believe everything you read on the internet, unless you happen to be reading this online. You can believe what you read here. As for everything else: pah! Take the website for Embassy, the London restaurant of chef Gary Hollihead and businessman Mark Fuller.

A few months ago I discovered it was carrying the following quote, attributed to me: 'The ambience is elegant and the food faultless.'

This was weird. Embassy was where the chef refused to go off-menu for one child in a party of 10, despite there being only three tables occupied that night, rightly causing the whole group to up and leave.

I looked back at my original review. The rest of the quote reads: '...but the recently opened Embassy in London's West End won't get very far with chef Gary Hollihead's no-can-do mentality.' Now I wonder why they didn't run the whole sentence?

Let's ignore the fact that the words were from the introduction, which I didn't write. I asked Embassy to remove the line from their website. Three weeks later they obliged, or kind of obliged. They removed it from the home page but, I discovered last week, not from the corporate entertaining page. As I say, don't believe anything you read on the internet.

I would never recommend anyone go to Embassy.

A few months ago, Hollihead and Fuller opened a new venture together in the pretty village of Cookham Dean, Berkshire, called The Inn on the Green.

Well, boys, here's a quote for the website: 'The food is prissy and stupidly expensive and the room has the ambience of a coffin as designed by Laura Ashley.' The irritations began with the woman taking the booking, who demanded we come at midday for a Thursday lunch. I pleaded. She gave us a 12.30pm slot. We turned up on time, and, by 1.15pm, we were still the only people in the dining room. This suggests a restaurant run for the staff, rather than the punters.

At lunch, there is a menu du jour at £19.95 for three courses and a carte which will require you to sell your children into slavery: starters are £10 to £15; main courses are £18 to £25. The one thing they have in common is that almost nothing will be served to you unless it has first been shaped in a pastry ring.

There is technique in the kitchen, but it is unfocused and therefore unsatisfying. A starter of a (cylindrical) duck rillette with a walnut and bacon salad was worryingly oversalted, and the salad was that awful thing, a fussy little garnish, rather than part of the plate. Our other starter was a (cylindrical) tuna tartare, allegedly with oysters. My sister ordered it because she loves oysters, but they were absent. The waiter insisted they had been mixed into the tuna. We'll have to take his word for it. The dish was a disappointment because it didn't do what it said.

A main course of (cylindrical) monkfish with roast root vegetables and oxtail was a mess. The monkfish was wrapped in ham with such a heavy cure that it completely overwhelmed the fish. The sweet root vegetables worked well with the sweet oxtail, but neither had anything to say to the monkfish. My main course of steamed hake with chorizo, Savoy cabbage and clams was both the only thing not in a cylinder and the most successful, with a deeply intense fishy liquor.

What more do you need to know? How about that the wine list starts at £15 a bottle and the staff pour mineral water like they're on commission. You may think I bear a grudge against The Inn on the Green, and you'd be right. I do; I ate there and it wasn't worth the money.

· The Inn on the Green, Cookham Dean, Berkshire (01628 482 638). Meal for two, including wine and service, £120.