Ready-made custards
Tesco Finest 500g, £1.39
'I'd happily pass this one off as my own,' says naughty Angela. It has body, a good vanilla taste and isn't eggy. A grand bit of custard.
*****
Safeway ready to serve custard UHT 1kg, £1.19
Looks good, but there's a curious vanilla kick which is a little artificial. Still, as an emergency long-life standby it's not bad.
***
Waitrose fresh custard 500g, 99p
Reminds Angela of mini-milk ice lollies. Definitely an acquired taste which we haven't acquired, but still OK.
***
Somerfield fresh custard sauce made with fresh cream 450g, 95p
Yuck. Yellow milk. The ingredients say water and single cream and we believe them. Nasty.
no stars
Sainsbury's fresh custard 5 00g, 99p
Please don't make us taste this again. Chewy, gummy, snotty, like the last days of a very bad cold.
no stars
Lemon sorbet
Asda 500ml, £1.38
Very light, very fresh, more of a mid-course palate cleanser than an arse-kicking pudding, but good for all that.
****
Tesco 500ml, £1.45
Like all of these, it's the correct shade of white but this one also has a rather good fresh natural lemon flavour.
****
Sainsbury's 500ml, £1.49
There's an odd powdery fizziness here. Reminds us of children's sweets.
**
Safeway 500ml, £1.99
Slightly too sweet but you can taste the lemons. Just.
**
Waitrose 750ml, £2.49
Well, the pot's nice. But it tastes like sherbet. Not good at all.
*
Doughnuts
Asda glazed ring 98p for four
Looks like the stuff of nightmares with its scattering of blue hundreds and thousands, but surprisingly good and not too sweet.
****
Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut 90p each
This American brand lives up to the hype. Very light batter and a fine crisp sugar shell.
****
Safeway glazed ring 41p each
A lightish doughnut, but a little violent on the toppings.
**
McDonald's doughnut 59p each
Who let this sponge cake into the tasting?
no stars
Chocolate chip cookies
Merba chocolate cookies 200g, 65p approx, available from Sainsbury's
Hmm. Can we have another one, please? Soft, light chocolatey. The business.
*****
Marks & Spencer All Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies 250g, £1.49
Ah yes, there's chocolate here. And it's soft and crumbly as it claims to be.
****
Traidcraft Double Chocolate Chip Cookies 200g, approx 99p, from supermarkets or go to www.traidcraft.co.uk
Tastes floury. Where's the chocolate hit?
**
Sainsbury's pink fondant ring 65p each
Smells artificial and doesn't even taste deep-fried. It's that 'pants' moment again.
no stars
Waitrose 200g, 79p
Tastes of flour but at least it also tastes of chocolate.
**
Somerfield So Good 200g, 99p
Look, you do not need to coat the bottom of a chocolate chip cookie with chocolate. It's called overkill. Far too sweet.
no stars
Chocolate cake
Pret A Manger chocolate fudge cake, £1.50 a slice
Depends on the thick, lush icing for the chocolate kick, which is absent from the overly-sweet sponge. Moist, though.
**
M&S Classic Chocolate Fudge Cake 390g, £1.99
Does what it says on the packet but a little bland for all that.
**
Starbucks Chocolate Decadence Cake, £2 per slice, customer service: 020 7878 4929
This is clearly designed to accompany a bucket of Starbucks coffee: thick, stodgy, claggy sponge.
*
Fortnum and Mason Sacher Torte 750g, £12.75
Technically speaking, outrageous. A massive chocolate hit. A very little goes a very long way. One to feed the 5,000 and then some.
*****
Trifle
Sainsbury's individual fruit trifles 500g, £1.85
Good custard, nice sponge and not bad fruit. A good product for what it is.
****
Maison Blanc Coquelin £19.55, www.maisonblanc.co.uk
Oh God. Heaven on a plate. Fresh raspberries and a base of crushed nuts cut through the richness. Desert-island chocolate cake.
*****
M&S strawberry trifle 500g, £1.69
Too much cream (and yes, there is such a thing). Too little sponge and a little jammy. A disappointment.
**
Tesco 600g, £1.66
There's a curious artificial flavour to the jelly and the various layers haven't mixed together.
*
Asda summerfruit trifle 500g, £1.78
Not a trifle at all. No, no, no. What's that jam stuff at the bottom?
no stars
Safeway The Best trifle peach and raspberry 750g, £4.79
A trifle should be an amalgamated whole and this is: nice fresh raspberries, sponge at the bottom as it should be, good custard.
*****
Cinnamon Danish pastries
Safeway 59p each
A pronounced cinnamon taste but it's slightly artificial.
**
Asda 2x100g, £1.38
Far too sweet but at least the coffee taste is there.
***
Tesco 49p each
Not a top Danish but the best of the lot: buttery flaky pastry and a cinnamon taste. We could eat one of these.
***
Maison Blanc £1.10 each
Too big and cakey. Stodgy.
*
Pret A Manger 85p each
Might be nice, if it wasn't burnt. Raisins have been cremated and that taste fights with the cinnamon.
no stars
Konditor and Cook £1.35 each
Very heavy. Could be used as ballast on a ship. Too much.
no stars
Tiramisu
M&S 415g, £3.49
Ah yes. This is what we're looking for. Not too sweet and a strong coffee flavour comes bashing through.
*****
Somerfield 2x100g, £1.39
This is a workmanlike effort. The cream is good and solid but we're not getting the coffee kick.
***
Sainsbury's 2x100g, £1.39
What a pity. The coffee taste is there but it's so bloody sweet.
**
Waitrose 2x90g, £1.39
'That's pants,' Angela says. Too sweet, too whipped, too much.
*
Dessert wine over £10
Chteau Filhot 1990, 750ml, £24.99, available from Victoria Wine and Threshers
A serious bottle. A complex aroma of dried peach, cooked apple and vanilla and the palate has a soft acidity.
*****
Chteau Liot 1997, £17.95, available from Berry Bros
Creamy confectionery flavours abound on the nose. The ripe pineapple palate is sweet and not too heavy.
***
Chteau Doisy Daene 2000, 37.5cl, £11.99, available from Waitrose
A youthful, exuberant dessert wine with delicate orange compôte flavours. Definitely worth holding onto so that it matures.
****
d'Arenberg Noble Riesling 1999, 750ml, £10.99, available from Oddbins
A rich palate of baked fig pudding, vanilla and cinnamon but finishes heavily with the bitter taste of nuts.
**
Maculan Torcolato 2000, 375ml, £13.49, available from Oddbins
Cooked banana and mango on the nose plus a palate of sweet cider and roasted pineapple. Has a robust finish which is heady and alcoholic.
***
Dessert wine under £10
Madame de Rayne Sauternes 1997, 37.5cl, £8.99, available from M&S
Woody spice and over-baked pastry tones mar this fresh amaretti-esque nose. An overly flat and dry finish.
***
Lindemans Botrytis Riesling 1998, 37.5cl, £5.99, available from Somerfield
Complex, rich and syrupy with a bite of lime marmalade, and an oiliness that coats the palate graciously. Would go well with exotic fruit desserts.
****
Miranda Raisined Muscat 2002, 350ml, £4.49, available from Majestic wine
Fresh, lively palate of poached figs and pears. Very easy drinking without being heavy or cloying.
***
Sainsbury's Muscat de Saint Jean de Minervois, 37,5cl, £3.89
Dried apricot and orange on both nose and palate, but a thin finish that leaves only alcohol behind.
**
Muscat de Beaumes de Venise, 375ml, £4.49, available from Tesco
Astringent smell of aftershave which burns the senses. A fresh grapey taste but it dissipates quickly, leaving behind a bitterness.
*
· The testers Angela Hartnett: Head chef at the Terrace restaurant, the Connaught hotel, London W1 (020 7592 1223)
Alan Holmes: Head sommelier at Petrus, the Berkeley hotel, London SW1 (020 7235 1200), www.petrus-restaurant.com
