The Old Passage Inn, Arlingham, Gloucestershire (01452 740 547). Meal for two, including wine and service, from £75
It was madness, of course, if an admirable kind of madness. However strongly I believe that restaurants should be open to children, it was still a touch ambitious to hope that a lunch party of three adults and four children under five could pass off without incident. That it did - that it was a huge success - can be attributed to a number of factors.
First, we came prepared. It drives me nuts when I see parents scolding their restless kids through a meal when they have brought nothing with which to occupy them. Two hours at a table with nowt to do can be boring for a three-year-old. It can be pretty boring for this 37-year-old. We came armed with coloured pens, paper and a bucketful of Lego. We also took stuff for the kids.
Second, none of the children was two. Two-year-olds are adorable - inquisitive, energetic, funny. They can also be mad as meat-axes.
But the real reason it worked is that the staff of the Old Passage Inn at Arlingham were up for it. True, we had let them know in advance what was coming their way, but unlike so many restaurants in Britain, they didn't flinch when they saw the reality. They helped us clear the glassware and the cutlery and worked their way around the controlled chaos.
The Old Passage Inn is a seafood restaurant, and devoutly so. The menu begins with six types of oyster. There's lobster four ways and fruits de mer both hot and cold. The inn is perched at the tip of a salient of land jutting into the inland reaches of the Severn estuary. Though I doubt much of the food comes from those waters, it is still pleasing to look out across water meadows to the wet stuff. The room itself is a calming turquoise with some over-the-top pillars, and was filled, that lunch time, with a greying clientele. I suspect our party brought the average age down to about 60.
The food is mostly simple and uncluttered. The most wrought dish was a plate of charcoal-grilled sardines with a pesto mash. Usually I would run screaming from a plate of mash adulterated with pesto, but here it worked, the flavoursome potato proving a foil to the richness of the fish. The rest was straight up. Beer-battered cod came pillow-plump and golden, with rustling chips. Four huge crevettes, ordered for four-year-old Eddie - who has never met a prawn he didn't like - disappeared swiftly.
But the star was the fruits de mer. It isn't cheap, at £30 for one, but you get your money's worth. First came a generous shellfish mariniere in a light wine liquor, which Eddie adored. Nothing gives me more pleasure than watching my small boy sucking mussels and clams and cockles from their hiding place. This was followed by half a lobster and half a crab, a sweet raw scallop on the shell, complete with coral, two types of prawns and a fold of smoked salmon with caviar.
Home-made mayonnaise had a fine, tart edge. Bread rolls arrived warm. Tablecloths were of paper - which is good for wax crayons.
The only duff thing was a strawberry tiramisu. Strawberries bring nothing to the dish. But home-made sorbets and ice creams were good and made the children happy. And we didn't lose any Lego.
So yes, an act of madness, but a good one. Next week: five toddlers do Restaurant Gordon Ramsay. It should be a walk in the park.
Three kid-happy restaurants with a fishy focus
Hanson's, Pilot House Wharf, Trawler Road, Swansea Marina
(01792 466 200)
Kids love to watch the boats bobbing about through the windows of this jolly yellow eatery above a fishing-tackle shop. They are usually 'sweet and well-behaved', though most prefer chicken nuggets to Andrew Hanson's excellent fish dishes. Their loss - hake in batter comes on a tower of hand-cut chips, loin of tuna with crispy cockle salad, and haddock fish cakes are simply served with tartare sauce.
Duke of Cumberland Arms, Henley, West Sussex
(01428 652 280)
This proudly old-fashioned pub, with no music, no mobile phones (except those nailed to the walls as a warning) and no kids' menu is a wonderful place for families who enjoy fish. Five acres of gardens with freshwater ponds offer young visitors the chance to help catch their own trout - which they usually insist on eating whole. Fresh seabass, black bream with prawn and tomato sauce, smoked salmon and mussels are also on offer.
La Fourchette, 105 Western Road, Brighton
(01273 722 556)
Unsurprisingly, perhaps, it's the parents who really enjoy the subtle flavours of monkfish cooked in a bourride with smoked bacon, or seabass in a sauce vierge at this much-loved French restaurant by the sea. There are 12 seafood specials each week, including a hot starter of fishy titbits for two to share. Children like the odd morsel, but their orders are usually for a little tender chicken, and the staff just want them 'to be 'appy'.
