When I was a kid I remember reading an interview with Woody Allen in which he said he ate out in restaurants every night. Every night! As a 10-year-old I found the thought of that thrilling, the ultimate statement of adulthood. As a 37-year-old I still feel the same way. There is something about restaurants - the promise of the laid but empty table, the proposition of the menu, the anticipation of each dish's arrival - which still charms me even after five years as this newspaper's restaurant critic.
While the prospect of going to the cinema fills me with dread, I always step optimistically into restaurants. Where does this enthusiasm come from? My parents, I suppose. Mine was a privileged childhood, and they insisted on taking us to restaurants. Because food was part of what defined us as a family, the pleasures of eating out also seem very familiar. Those formative experiences are the only real credentials I can claim for the job that I do. That, and a certain greediness. Here are a few of the key questions sent to me by readers, along with my answers, informed by nothing more than long service at the table. Oh, and that greediness.
You ask the questions
Q I hate having my wine poured for me in a restaurant. What can I do about it?
Felicity Thomas
A I hate it, too. I drink faster than my wife, but we are scrupulous in making sure we each get our half of the bottle. If the waiter keeps refilling my glass, it's impossible to keep track. In some ways, I find having my water refilled even more irritating, because that is nothing more than a sales racket. They are flogging you bottles of water, and the more they can get you to drink, the more margin they can make. The solution: the first time a waiter reaches to refill your glass, tell them politely but firmly that you'll do it yourself. And ask them to make sure the rest of the staff know. There's nothing more irritating than having to repeat the request six times. And don't be intimidated. It's your bloody wine. You can do with it what you like.
Q Why are so many of the restaurants you review in London? Not all your readers live there, you know.
Mike Cosgrove
A I used to be very defensive about this. I would point to my record. Somewhere between 35 per cent and 50 per cent of the restaurants I review are outside London, depending on the time of year. But I'm fed up with making excuses for the rest of Britain. The truth is, London has a thriving, vibrant restaurant culture, and nowhere else in the country even begins to compare. I am tired of making long journeys for mediocre meals. I'm not saying there are no good restaurants outside London. Obviously there are. But they are tough to find. And there's no point me going all the way to Aberdeen, say, to tell you I've found a really lousy place. At least with London there's some likelihood that at some point you'll be there. Anyway, I was in Cambridge last week. Stop complaining.
Q What is the weirdest thing you have witnessed in a restaurant?
James Millar
A I still think it was the non-appearance tableside of chef Gary Hollihead at Embassy in London, to discuss his refusal to cook a plate of pasta for a 13-year-old boy. It was a party of 10. They were, as I later found out, going to spend more than a grand that night, and out of 30 dishes to be ordered this was the only off-menu request. Hollihead refused to even discuss it and, rightly, the party got up and left. Some chefs need to remember that they are in the service business.
Q We keep hearing that food poisoning is on the increase but, as far as I can see, you have never suffered from it while reviewing. Have you just been lucky or are the statistics overblown?
Carl Levy
A I have never suffered food poisoning while out on a review, but three of my companions have. The problem is, I can't tell you which restaurants were responsible because, legally, I would have to trace the bug from kitchen to plate and out t'other end, so to speak, before pointing the finger. And I ain't going there. As a result, on two of those occasions I simply didn't write a review. On the third I did, because I'd already decided it was a lousy restaurant before my friend started throwing up.
Q Why are vegetarians so ill-served by so many restaurants?
Maggie Olson
A When I discuss this one with chefs they make the same point to me time and again: they're running a business, they say, not a public service. If failing to run a lengthy vegetarian menu meant they were taking a hit financially, they would deal with it straightaway. But clearly they're not, so they don't. The fact is, vegetarians may be vociferous but they don't seem to be particularly powerful economically. If they were, if restaurants were genuinely failing to serve a huge market, the country would be littered with entirely vegetarian restaurants doing a roaring trade. But, as any vegetarian will tell you, it isn't.
Q On what occasions do you refuse to pay the 'discretionary' service charge?
Alex Fuller
A Putting aside times when the service is obviously poor, I will refuse to pay if, having already added the tip to the bill, the waiter then leaves the tip space open on the credit card slip. Grrr! Nothing makes me crosser.
