There are men who know all about food. They are called chefs; you see them sometimes on television, showing off their knowledge. For the majority of their brethren food is fuel, a means to an end. This is less often the case for women, which explains why there is a correlation between bachelorhood and atrocious eating habits. Men who eat like swine are always single. Women should note the following guidelines on their male dining partners.

Barbecues

It is a simple enough task - cooking meat on hot coals. But this is his chance to be Mr Alpha Male Caveman Play With Fire. Indulge him; it compensates for increasing obsolescence in every other realm of life.

Carving

An ancient male ritual dating to neolithic times. If a young man wanted to wed he would have to demonstrate his skill at hacking the meat from the carcass of a bison to his would-be father-in-law. Young men to this day fear carving.

Crustaceans

He likes these, but not for taste reasons. He is seduced by the idea of eating with his hands.

Chips

Food of the gods. If he orders potato in any other form he is showing off. (Unless it's mash with sausages.)

Chocolate

He will pretend to like it very dark and bitter. Minimum 70 per cent cocoa. He is lying to look sophisticated (see above: chips). In private he eats Crunchies, just like women do.

Eating alone

There are two distinct male food groups: what men eat with other people and what they eat on their own. The second is a parallel culinary universe in which it is OK to combine tinned tuna and baked beans in the same dish.

Exotic foods

He probably claims to be appalled by the idea of eating dog. He'd eat baby seal if he was hungry enough.

Fighting

Food fighting is fun, but should bear no resemblance to real fighting. If a winner emerges, he has crossed the line.

Fighting II

Food fighting is never as much fun as it looks in that last scene from Bugsy Malone

Leftovers

Urgency of hunger competes on even terms with hygiene. If no one is looking, most men will eat from bins.

Leftovers II

Ordinary protocols of what is appropriate for a particular mealtime do not apply. Cold curry can be breakfast.

Pudding

When he says, 'let's get the chocolate cake to share,' he means, 'I don't want pudding, but I reckon you do and I don't want you to feel like Miss Lardy Lonely Chocaholic.' This is called chivalry.

Sex I

If he seems excited at the suggestion of involving food with sex, he is really just excited about sex. Food is optional.

Sex II

If you want to involve ice cream with sex, make sure you have sex then ice cream. Otherwise you may end up getting distracted and just having ice cream and no sex. Then he will be disappointed.

Spaghetti bolognese

He knows how to cook it. It is his only trick (apart from barbecuing). Pretend to be impressed.

Stealing

If he steals food from your plate, he is flirting. If he steals from others' plates he's hungry. If he steals food from shops he may be a smack addict.

Timing

Eating is a race. Biting is essential to render edible matter into mouth-sized chunks. Chewing is optional.

Wine

You will know if he is an expert because he thinks it is empowering to spend hours choosing a bottle and consulting the sommelier. If he knows nothing, he will opt for the classic sniff, gulp, nod method. This is a well-practised charade and saves face for everyone.