There shall be no clicking of fingers to attract the waiter's attention in this establishment. No trilling of phones. No dunking of biscuits. And absolutely no drinking from the finger bowls. You may, however, slice your bread roll, rather than tear it, before you butter it.
This is news to me. I have always been taught - along with the dictum that 'all joints on the table will be carved' and that it's ill-mannered to whistle during conversational lulls at dinner parties - that breaking bread into bite-sized chunks is the very cornerstone of table etiquette. Not so, says Sean Davoren. 'Tearing bread is a European custom,' he confides. 'In Victorian times, bread was sliced and buttered, so it is still good manners to do so.'
Well, he should know. A butler for 25 years and head of butling at London's Lanesborough Hotel for the past nine, Davoren is author of Manners from Heaven, a little book of dos and don'ts to guide your children through the vagaries of contemporary table manners.
But isn't it adults he should really be aiming at? According to a recent survey, most grown-ups feed like baboons. We talk on our mobiles - which is apparently just about the rudest thing you can do in a restaurant (I always thought that distinction was reserved for what Boris Becker did in the broom cupboard). We smoke between courses. We start to eat before all of the food has arrived (terribly coarse, unless you are in Wagamama). And then we squabble about the bill.
To lead us towards redemption, Good Housekeeping published its own advice on contemporary etiquette. Don't arrive early for dinner parties, it chides. And don't get drunk once you're there. Do let your hosts know about your food fads in good time. And, if you're cooking, don't serve any food which has been the subject of a recent food scare, even if it's this week's two-for-one offer. Oh, and definitely bring a 'food treat' to thank your hosts.
Being something of a stickler on these matters, though, I have my own list of food rudes that should be avoided at all costs. They include:
a) Forking into someone else's spaghetti vongole before they've sampled a single mouthful (yes, I'm talking to you, Paul).
b) Placing a mobile carefully and centrally on the table, as if it is a holy relic, giving the impression that during the cheese course you will be called upon to make a life-or-death decision, perhaps about soft furnishings or where you put the remote control.
c) Using the cutlery and cruet to explain the off-side rule.
d) Tucking serviettes into your tank-top. Calling them serviettes. Wearing a tank-top.
See? There are so many ways to get it wrong. Eating is a veritable shark's soup of potential pit-falls and pratfalls. No wonder so many of us have taken to doing it alone in front of Property Ladder
Of course, if you're truly of the modern world, you will have already mastered all manner of manners. You will have grasped the basics of Netiquette (how to behave on e-Bay) and Debtiquette (how to act when your credit card is declined). This Christmas, you can bet that there'll be a copy of Lynne Truss's Talk to the Hand in your stocking. In the meantime, you can tune into Australian Princess, a TV show where Paul Burrell teaches Aussie Shelias how to sip from a champagne flute...
What is happening to us? Whatever happened to finger-licking, to bawdy egalitarianism and appreciative burping? 'We are more image-conscious now,' says Sean the Butler. 'We've noticed how children can't use a knife and fork. We need to do something about it.' Good Housekeeping's June Walton agrees: 'In the rush of everyday life, manners have gone out of the window. We wanted to offer advice on the considerate way to handle today's challenges.'
Perhaps they're right. Perhaps the little things start to matter when the big things - Avian flu, global warming - seem rather overwhelming. Lucky then, that experts are on hand to point out which side plate is yours (the one on the left, dumbo). As long as we get that right, all should be well with the world.
