The Macanudo Fumoir at Claridge's
Brook Street, London W1

What's that cigar doing in your mouth?

I'm pretending to smoke it.

Why?

Because I can't afford to really smoke it. It's dreadfully expensive and I've spent this month's trust fund instalment.

No, I mean, why do it at all?

Because the men find it sexy. I'm playing about with traditional notions of gender, which the men love.

Are you sure about that?

I am. Tonight, I will be demonstrating this fact in the Macanudo Fumoir of Claridge's - a jewel of a cigar bar that men frequent on the off chance that they'llsee someone like me smoking a cigar.

You seem to know a lot about men.

I've dedicated much of my spare time to studying them. They're fascinating creatures, although generally startling ignorant when it comes to cocktails. None the less, they can be occasionally very generous - terribly useful when a girl's frittered away her allowance on fizz and bling. Which is why I've come here, to look for some.

You're gold digging, basically.

Actually I'm more than capable of having a jolly good time without men, particularly in a joint as exclusive as this one. Witness the gorgeous leather upholstered interior, all those mirrors, the little silver trays bearing the hotel's signature upmarket amuse gueules (posh cheese straw which I love), the prohibitively expensive cigars and, of course, the rosé champs. Even with my limited financial means, I can scrape together enough for one glass of that, and then while away my time people watching and bitching with Julie Goose (partner in crime and deputy Cocktail Girl).

What kind of a crowd does the Fumoir play host to?

The residents of course - a mixed bunch of old money Eurotrash and the international fashion set; passing supermodels and Ladies Who Smoke, (Chanel-clad women of a certain age who have tired of the lunch scene and want more decadent fun).

And what of the men?

At the time of writing, I hadn't quite convinced anyone to buy me a magnum of anything, but the night was young and I was doing some good work with the provocative faux cigar smoking.

We've asked the men so, Cocktail Girl, is it sex or food?

Neither. Binge drinking and shopping please.