1. Nora Sands

2. You revealed them all.

3. You are a Michelin star.

4. You work at Anthony's in Leeds.

5. Your boss is Heston Blumenthal. You work in the Fat Duck in Bray. Your job is being an ingredient in porridge.

6. You are Nigella Lawson and you decided to front a new daytime television chat show, although you didn't do it for very long. (For the bonus point: you thought presenting daytime TV was easy and that all your rivals were rubbish, as you foolishly revealed in an interview shortly before trying it yourself.)

7. You are one of 'Nobby's Nuts'. You were promoted by Noddy Holder, frontman of cheerful 70s rock peddlers Slade. So they really ought to be your favourite band.

8. You have a low rating on the glycaemic index, which means that, as you are digested, you release energy slowly and evenly into the body (instead of delivering a short-lived sugar rush). You are therefore recommended as part of the GI diet, which was the way to slim this year.

9. You take the pronouncements of Gordon Ramsay very seriously, which means you believed him when he said that women could not cook to save their lives.

10. You are the toxin Sudan 1, and you hitched a lift around the British food chain on a dose of chilli powder in a bottle of Worcestershire sauce.

11. Ready meals

12. You are Ronald McDonald and you had a sex change. Or rather, your trademark outfit was put on a woman in a bid to rebrand your product in a Japanese marketing drive.

13. You are a noodle in Wagamama, which replaced Nobu as the most popular restaurant in London, according to this year's Zagat survey.

14. Six

15. Tesco

16. You might have Avian flu, but then again, you might not. Either way you won't be served in Le Roussillon which has taken poultry off its menu just in case.

17. My Cookbook

18. You and your neighbour are united in solidarity against Jacques Chirac, the president of your host country, after he was reported to have said that the only thing British cuisine gave to the world was mad cow disease, and that the only food worse than British was Finnish.

19. You are being served at a banquet at the G8 summit in Gleneagles. You come with everything listed but chips.

20. Your customer is Michael Jackson. Jesus Juice is the name he was reported to have given to wine in a Coke can, as served to young visitors to his Neverland Ranch.