My earliest memories are of kidneys on toast. My mum would pick me up from school and take me to the café. I thought it was pretty posh. I don't like eating out now though - people don't have good table manners at posh restaurants and they put you off eating. People talk while they're eating and drop it down themselves - offensive. Anyway, I like to watch a movie when I'm eating. My mum used to make dinner at one o'clock every Saturday and Sunday, mashed potato and gravy and Yorkshire pud, but my favourite thing ever was a mistake. My mother made what was supposed to be an upside-down cake, but she fucked it up, and it was brilliant. It was half uncooked cake mix, which tastes pretty good when you're a kid, so I made her make it all the time.

I eat quite healthily - I'm still here aren't I? It's hard work travelling to Europe every weekend though. I haven't had a holiday since I was 14 and we left Anglesea for the seaside. It's a lot of flying around now. One bandmate lives in Sweden, and one in Wales. The secret is to get a private aircraft.

You learn to cook when you've lived by yourself for 45 years. Beans on toast gets a bit old. I do a really good steak. I stick it in a pan with parsley butter, baste it in mustard with a drop of Jack Daniels. Cut some potatoes very small and put them in, then some butter beans. Lovely. I don't have meals usually though - I'm a pecker. I just eat sandwiches. Cracked-wheat bread is the best bread in the world. My old guitarist Eddie Clark said I was the most inventive person he'd ever met with two slices of bread. Toasted sandwiches are great because you can stick spaghetti sauce in there, or mushy peas, which I have to get from an English shop in Beverly Hills. I've done adverts for crisps and KitKats, but I'd like to do Marmite. I really like giving Americans Marmite 'cos they can't fucking stand it. It's amazing the faces they pull.

If I invite someone round though I don't make them a fucking sandwich. I cook for women, but I don't associate food with romance. I don't cook while I'm making love - it'll spit all over your naked body. I eat well on tour. We have a caterer, and I eat a lot of fish. He does a great Dover sole with mushy peas. Well, just peas I mush them myself on the plate. But I could never have a chef at home - it's like having a dog and barking yourself. We've got candy and nuts and stuff on the rider, and cheese and meat for the dressing room. I drink a lot on tour, Jack and Coke mostly. I've never detoxed , and I've never dieted these tight jeans stretch. My favourite recipe's called Krakatoa Surprise : curry powder, laxatives and flour made into a model of Krakatoa, then you pour liquid Ex-Lax over the top with a bit of brandy and set it on fire. Eat it while it's still burning - surprise! What else? I used to peel babies and roll them in salt now and again.

Kidneys

Many of us are reluctant to eat offal, though it can offer considerable nutritional value. Kidneys are rich in selenium, a mineral believed to have cancer-protective potential.

Marmite and cracked-wheat bread

Wheat-based breads can destabilise blood-sugar levels and cause surges in the hormone insulin - linked with weight gain. Wholemeal bread does not contain anything like the nutrient density of fruit and vegetables.

Half-cooked cake mix

This dish's primary constituents - sugar and refined flour - will generally cause blood-sugar levels to surge, which in turn can lead to the laying down of fat in the body. Less of this sort of fare should help Lemmy's jeans fit.

Mushy peas

Peas give a nice, sustained release of sugar into the bloodstream, something that will safely help to fuel Lemmy's body and brain. Peas are rich in several health-giving nutrients including lutein (which is important for the eyes), folic acid and vitamin E.

Jack Daniels and Coke

While I am not at all puritanical, evidence suggests that, at the level Lemmy is likely to consume it, alcohol has the capacity to shorten life, not helped by the huge quantities of sugar in the cola.