Russell Crowe

Gilgamesh: Russell Crowe would like to come in and eat, but he doesn't expect to pay. 'So no one would be paying?' No. 'I'm sure that won't be a problem, I'll check with my manager ... Great news. He can come and everything'll be free.'

Quod Restaurant & Bar: Russell Crowe would like to come in this evening. 'Wow, I'm sure we can find space.' He'd expect it to be complimentary. '[Laughs] And drinks?' Yes ...'That's fine, we'd need to put a limit on it of around £80, though.'

Garfunkel's: Russell Crowe wants to bring his son into Garfunkel's. 'We can reserve a table.' He never pays for his meals. Is that a problem? 'I can't do complimentary meals.' Not even for him? 'Sorry, I'm not obliged to do that for him.'

Neil and Christine Hamilton

Gilgamesh: The Hamiltons want to book a table. They'll talk about Gilgamesh when they next do press so they're assuming the meal will be complimentary. 'I can't authorise that. You could check with the PR but it's unlikely.'

Quod Restaurant & Bar: They're doing some press and they'll give Quod a mention if they get a complimentary meal. That would include drinks. '[Laughs]. You need to call the manager.' We leave a message, but they don't call back.

Garfunkel's: 'I don't understand. They want to come in and eat but for free? I've never heard of that before ... I'll ask the area manager to call you ... Sorry, no.' They'll mention Garfunkel's in their new show. 'Sorry, we don't do things like that.'

Sarah Duchess of York

Gilgamesh: 'I hope we have room. Let me just check ... Yes that's fine.' I trust that the Duchess won't have to pay for her meal. 'Of course not, definitely not, it will be fully complimentary.'

Quod Restaurant & Bar: 'Yes, we have room for her.' I am assuming that she won't have to pay. 'Er, unfortunately not. She would definitely be expected to pay.' I think it would be worth making an exception. 'Sorry, she would need to pay. '

Garfunkel's: Will you have space for Fergie this evening? 'A table for two? No problem.' Fergie always expects a free meal. 'I will have to check with my area manager and let you know.' They don't call back.

Gilgamesh, Chalk Farm Road, London NW1

Quod Restaurant & Bar, 92-94 High Street, Oxford

Garfunkel's, Oxford Circus, London