Bubbles

By which we mean champagne, prosecco or cava. Partly because they take the edge off all difficult carbohydrate cravings. Partly because bubbles are extravagance, high society and giddy, to-hell-with-it-all fecklessness in alcohol form.

Minimal adornment

Contrary to popular belief, women are not fans of swizzle sticks, small plastic monkeys designed to cling to the rim of a glass, sparklers, bells, whistles etcetera. They tend to insert themselves up our noses when we're trying to sip. They're also one of those rare examples of Eighties frippery that are quite immune to being co-opted by contemporary hipsters, and rendered ironically fashionable. (NB, we also don't like it when our drinks are set on fire. Surely that's just asking for trouble?)

Evidence of fresh fruit in a cocktail situation

By which we do not mean a slice of lemon or orange - think more superfood-y type fruit. It makes a drink look elegantly fancy, but also suggests that there may be some low-fat and nutritional merit in what is otherwise little more than a delicious and extravagant short cut to oblivion.

Diet Coke from a bottle or can

Never, never, never try to ply us with the tasteless, watery diluted syrup tap crap, thank you. We know our Diet Coke. And we know when it's not original format. (NB, if we're given the choice, we'd always rather it came in your classic 250cl glass bottle, because that kind of thing makes us think of summer hols in super-civilised southern Europe, beach clubs and yachts.)

Super-premium vodkas

Bottles of abstract beauty! Brand names like Grey Goose and Snow Queen! So brilliantly constructed that one can shoot the pure liquor, without half-choking on it, snorting it back out of one's nostrils, and coming over all guppy in our attempts to breathe again! Super-premium vod is the spiritual property of ladies. No doubt about it.

Short, succinct cocktail menus

Anything boasting more than 12 options will send us off into a downward spiral of doubt and confusion; we'll be paralysed by the certainty that we're about to make the wrong choice (the drink equivalent of Menu Vertigo). Also, a pithy, well-edited cocktail list gives the impression that the bar staff specialise in these drinks, and these alone - and that, accordingly, they'll make them particularly well.

Ditto the wine list

Five reds, fives whites and a couple of rosés max. Schiller's Liquor Bar in Manhattan offers only three of each, which it doesn't name, but rather bills as: Cheap, Medium, or Expensive. More bars should adopt this policy. Seriously.

Nothing with cream in it

Are you kidding?