The River Café, Rainville Road, London W6 (020 7386 4220)

The River Café? Don't make me laugh. Regular civilians can expect to get an Arctic cold shoulder (not lamb) if they don't have a series on BBC2. Scum like me can expect the table in front of the wood-burning oven which melts your mascara. You want a table in the herb garden in summer and you haven't got a Bafta? Oh stop it!

Wiltons, 55 Jermyn Street, London SW1 (020 7629 9955)

Mouldering Tories from the Ancien Regime can expect to be fawned over like puppies. Waiters wrestle American tourists into sports jackets, for this is one of London's few restaurants with a dress code. So it is coat and shirt for men, mink-trimmed gowns for the ladies and a kick up the pants for the rest of us who haven't got a country seat.

Cipriani, 25 Davies Street, London W1 (020 7399 0500) .

Many have a love/hate relationship with the Cipriani, where Posh, Becks, assorted European royalty and er, Princess Bea wolf down silky baked pastas and pink bellinis. The lighting is low and so is the behaviour. Let me put this restaurant into perspective for you; a grilled rib eye steak at the Cipriani will cost you £39. Plus service. You still want to go?