How should one behave when there is a celebrity at the next table? Rule number one: identify your star correctly. It is important to realise that Jack Nicholson looks familiar because he is Jack Nicholson, not because he is some old guy you think you know. So he won't be interested in your chitchat about local bin collections because you believe him to live three doors down. So get a grip. Under no circumstances must you act like a ditz or a stalker, even if you are. Consider the case of my correspondent who was so starstruck at seeing Heather Mills in a Sussex restaurant that he went over to her table and said: 'Hello, Stella.' That went down like a cup of cold vegan sick, as you might imagine.
In Tom's Kitchen recently, a friend said to me: 'I think I know that Japanese guy over there. Doesn't he work on the sushi counter at Umu?' I turned around to see Johnny Depp eating a salad. Three seconds later she would have been telling him how much she loved his chirashizushi, while he would have assumed she had forgotten to put her teeth in.
The default position is to pretend that you are unaware that a celebrity is in the restaurant, while - of course! - surreptitiously studying their every move, wrinkle, mouthful, date, choice of footwear, depilatory arrangements, outfit and whether or not he or she looks better in real life than on the big screen. Then all this information must be relayed back to your own dinner date in a hurricane of stage whispers that suggest you have emphysema in your right lung and a loud hailer in your hand. Look at her lollipop head! Isn't he a midget! Check out those dudelsacks, are they real? And so on and so forth until the coffee arrives or the celebutant departs, whichever happens first. That's certainly what I do. Note that it takes good espionage skills to process and impart such celebrity data while appearing to be innocently staring into space and eating lobster spaghetti. When Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow were having dinner at Locanda Locatelli the other week, I asked a waiter why he was calling an ambulance. 'Because you look like you're having a stroke,' he replied. However, once he wiped the bubbles of tomato sauce from my mouth everyone was happy.
There can be such a thing as celebrity overload; a sugar rush of stars that can quite put your off your salmon fishcakes. A recent Ivy lunchtime netted Myleene Klass and baby, Jeremy Kyle, Lenny Henry, Duncan from Blue, that bitchy queen from Dancing on Ice and lots of men with highlights that looked like Bobby Gee from Bucks Fizz but weren't. The only thing to do in such circumstances is to accept that you are the biggest star there, order a mineral water and salad, pop on your shades and tell Myleene to stop bloody staring.
Elsewhere, when trying to impart the news to your date that Bono/Amy/Nigella has just walked into the restaurant, it is standard procedure to dip your right ear towards your right shoulder, push your eyebrows towards your skull and make darting movements with your eyes. This should instantly sound the alert that, no, the waiter has not poured boiling soup into your lap, but Someone Famous has arrived. On no account say: 'Don't turn around now, but Keira Knightley is sitting right behind you.' Their heads will spin faster than the screwtop on a hen-night bottle of sauv blanc. Also, you must never, ever do The Meerkat, which means standing up to get a better look at the stars on the other side of the restaurant. Do you really want to risk public humiliation to see Ashley and Cheryl eating chips or Posh complaining about a microscopic dot of butter on her steamed vegetables?
The golden rules are these. If a celebrity appears at the next table, keep your cool. Do not send over a bottle of champagne and start crying about how brilliant they were in that episode of The Bill when the budgie was kidnapped. Never approach them at the table, or get out your mobile and start taking pictures. Remember that a restaurant is never an appropriate place to ask for an autograph. If you are desperate, you could approach them at the door as they are leaving, but accept that you risk arrest; and always be discreet. It may be the greatest moment in your life, but remember that, for them, it's just lunch.
Three restaurants for celebrity-spotting
Tom's Place
1 Cale Street, London SW3
020 7351 1806
Just along the road from Tom's Kitchen you will find its glam, fishy little sister, Tom's Place. This eco-friendly, star-studded chippie only uses sustainable species. Even the chef, Tom Aikens, is no stranger to the pages of Hello!
Locanda Locatelli
8 Seymour Street, London W1
020 7935 9088
Eat artichoke gnocchi among a high-octane concentration of royalty, celebrity and the occasional good old home-baked mediocrity (me). Pay special attention to the very handsome waiters. Almost dishy enough to make your forget that Tony Blair is at the next table.
The Three Chimneys
Colbost, Dunvegan, Isle of Skye
01470 511 258
Even Rick Stein has made the pilgrimage to this remote outpost of gastronomy on the wild shores of Skye. More important, Myleene, Jeremy, Lenny and the gang haven't. Expect crab with cucumber and dill, local oysters and a shellfish bisque heaving with lobster and langoustine.
·These restaurants and hundreds more are reviewed on Jan's websiteareyoureadytoorder.co.uk
