Charlotte House Hotel
The Lawns, Union Road, Lincoln
(01522 541000; www.charlottehouselincoln.com)
'Lincoln's quite beautiful, isn't it?' I chirped to the lady behind the desk at the Charlotte House Hotel. She scrunched up her face: 'No. Well, maybe in the sunshine.' It was a shock heatwave.
We had started sweating when we came off the M1, and as we purred up the hill towards Lincoln Cathedral we saw bare chests and ice-creams. A queue snaked out of one ice-cream parlour, so we joined it and bought some cones, which melted on to the floor of one of Lincoln's many antique shops.
The hotel opened six months ago and sits in the shade of the castle, surrounded by gardens, gift shops and a giant plastic chess set. It sells itself as 'Art Deco', but there was a vaguely institutional air to the place, reminiscent of a hospital. Small things suggested that the designers hadn't really had the budget for the full Art Deco brief, such as the officey doors and their aluminium handles, and the cheap new carpet, and halls crammed with 'ye olde' sofas, with stairwells overflowing with plastic shrubbery. When I asked the receptionist what the building used to be, she was vague. Later, I found out that it had been a council office. Before that, a mental institution. The 14 rooms are modern, with flat-screen tellies and big soft beds, and antique furniture. The bathrooms were boiling because of huge heated mirrors, which were brilliant for avoiding steamed glass after a shower, but rubbish for any make-up left next to it. My lipstick didn't just melt, it liquefied. The shower was rather great though, with two heads - one for a 'rain effect', and the other, with three settings, for the discerning filth-monger.
Dinner is served in the Castlegate Restaurant, a squat brick building beside the west gate of Lincoln Castle, just over the road from the hotel. It used to be a newsagent. We had the tasting menu - eight courses of little expensive food piles, arranged to look like board games on square plates.
We had a great time, mainly because of the wine, but also because of the lovely waitress, and a bit because of the nonsensey, at times delicious, food. We slept (on memory-foam pillows), then had mackerel for breakfast. The staff were extremely nice, tripping up and down the hallways to show us the lounge and the bar, which houses a whistling parrot. Really, it does. The parrot was loud but welcome, as one little point of uniqueness in a vaguely swanky, but ultimately unmemorable hotel.
What we liked: The proximity to the castle, and the ambitious restaurant
What we didn't like: The faux-plants and lack of parking
The verdict: Not as stylish as it thinks it is
The cost: Doubles from £145, room only
