There are lots of good reasons for cutting down on meat; Jesus really isn't one of them. Not that the Catholic Church would agree. A few weeks ago the UK's bishops declared that they would be encouraging their congregations to give up flesh on Fridays as a way to "deepen… the spiritual aspects of their lives". Organised religions have form where this sort of thing is concerned. This summer also saw the publication of Kosher Modern, a cookbook designed to make the stringent dietary rules of observant Jews – no pork, no shellfish, no mixing of milk and meat – an opportunity rather than a constraint. A few years ago, a Welsh Hindu community went to court (unsuccessfully) to save a bull called Shambo, marked down for slaughter because he had tested positive for bovine tuberculosis. Hindus don't eat beef. They worship the animals. The Muslims don't eat pork. The Buddhists are vegetarians and the Jains are strict vegans who won't even touch root vegetables because of the damage it does to the plants.

From this I can reach only one conclusion: God is a seriously picky eater. And yes, I know, the Jains and the Buddhists don't have an overarching deity per se, but you get the point. The divine is marked by a palate that would shame a three-year-old brought up on crisps and Sunny Delight.

Now, of course, our parents taught us the importance of respect and tolerance. On the latter part of this agenda I am completely with the project. My, but the things I tolerate: members of the UK Independence Party, Alan Sugar, Channel 5. But, as I get older the first part of that equation, the respect part, is, with the rest of me, withering. Worship however and whatever you wish, but don't expect me to respect you for it.

From this you might assume that I am a head-banging atheist. You would be absolutely right. In this admittedly fundamentalist world view, life is one huge cosmic joke. That being the case, eating pork belly, sucking lobster from the shell, and scarfing cheese burgers is simply a way of making sense of it all or at best passing the time. From this you can also tell I am a Very Bad Jew. And rightly so, because none of it makes the blindest bit of sense.

Once upon a time eating pork in a hot country might have been a bad idea but not now. The prohibition of mixing meat and dairy arises because of a passage in Exodus, in which it is declared an abomination to cook the baby goat in its mother's milk. Well, I'm with the Bible on that. But that's not a reason for banning cheeseburgers.

So it's just a thing my Jewish brethren do. Why? Because it defines difference. It sets them apart. Just as the strict veganism of the Jains sets them apart from the vegetarianism of the Buddhists.

Each to their own, I suppose. I will tolerate you. But it really does sound like a miserable notion. Still, if you can't beat them, join them. It happens that I hate Heinz baked beans. I also think salt-fermented sea cucumber is disgusting.

I am therefore establishing a new religion with me as its god. Accordingly, if you wish to worship me you must forgo the baked beans and sea cucumber thing. This will help define you as very special in the eyes of, well, me. The rest of you can go to hell.