Favourite phenomenon

Texans outside Austin consider Austinites quite batty. A centre of counter culture (read: hippies) in the state, Austin is also home to all the crazy politicians the citizenry of the state has sent to the State Capitol to represent them. Maybe it's the rest of Texas that's bats. The real centre of batty activity in Austin is the Congress Avenue Bridge, 10 blocks south of the Capitol, and home to about a million actual bats. Every evening a giant cloud of these boogers swoops out from under the bridge to feed on insects, and every evening hundreds of people come out to watch them. If only the bats would develop a taste for politicians.

Favourite Mexican restaurant

One of the city's oldest and best is El Patio, just north of the University Of Texas campus, where Elvis Presley once scarfed the enchiladas, and pictures of football legends grace the oh-so-20th-century wood-panelled walls. Founded and owned by my Lebanese friends, the Joseph family, it's a must-stop pre-game, post-game or even mid-game, when [college football team] the Longhorns are in town. I consider the Kinkster and the Joseph family to be our greatest hopes for peace in the Middle East.
• 2938 Guadalupe St, +1 512 476 5955, elpatioaustin.com. Open Mon-Thu 11am-9pm, Fri-Sat 11am-9.30pm, closed Sun

Favourite dance hall

Hands down the best in Austin (or anywhere, for that matter) is the legendary Broken Spoke, owned by the equally legendary James White. James likes to have his picture taken. There are two entire rooms filled with pictures of James with everyone from Dolly Parton to Willie Nelson, and of course, the Kinkster, but the real action is on the dance floor, where ancient floorboards squeak in rhythm with the boot scooters sashaying across it. One bit of advice: you may not want to use the word "sashay" at the Broken Spoke.
• 3201 S Lamar Blvd, +1 512 442 6189, brokenspokeaustintx.com. Open Tue-Sat 10.30am-11.30pm

Favourite rock'n'roll joint

In a city filled with the hip and the cool, one of the coolest joints for sipping a brew and taking in the best in old-school roots music is the Continental Club. A focal point in the SoCo district [South Congress Avenue], the Continental has been around in one incarnation or another since the 1950s. You can tell this by the classic cars all nosed up to the entrance.
• 1315 S Congress Ave, +1 512 441 2444, continentalclub.com, check website for show details

Favourite burger

One cannot visit Austin without hitting Dirty Martin's Kum Bak Hamburgers at the north end of the Drag [Guadalupe Street], which runs past the entrance to the university. Dirty's has been serving handmade burgers since 1926, and the people serving them have all been there for just about that long. Up until a dozen or so years ago, they had carhops. Not the ones you would imagine – young women on roller skates – but really cool older guys, who always seemed to know exactly what you wanted with that perfectly greasy burger. The carhops are gone, but the burgers are still hand-patted and perfectly greasy. I usually eschew the Sissy Burger in favour of the Big Sissy Burger. Big is always better in Texas.
• 2808 Guadalupe St, +1 512 477 3173, dirtymartins.com. Burgers from $3.25

Favourite motel

The Austin Motel, across the street from the Continental Club, is my favourite motel just about anywhere. It, too, is right in the middle of SoCo, which is about the hottest area in South Austin these days. When I check in, they always ask if I have a room preference. I always say, "surprise me" – and they do. Every room is different, and they are constantly redecorating. On at least one occasion, I was pretty sure they redecorated my room while I was out. Of course, that could have been the Guinness talking.
• 1220 S Congress Ave, +1 512 441 1157, austinmotel.com. Doubles from $110 a night

Favourite event

One of the few events the Kinkster regularly attends is the Texas Book Festival. Founded by my good friend Laura Bush, it caters for what the state of Texas probably needs more than anything – readers. Unlike rock festivals, which also abound in Austin, the Texas Book Festival truly is for all ages. It does provide music, and sometimes that music is me. I really enjoy these performances, as they are often in front of my core fan base, three-to-six-year-olds.
• 27-28 October 2012, State Capitol and surrounding grounds, 1100 Congress Ave, texasbookfestival.org, free

Favourite Austin music

Like all Texans, I could easily say Willie Nelson is the Austin musician who most moves me, but technically Willie does not live in Austin. He lives on a bus, with a mailing address apparently known only to the border patrol and federales. So my money is on a band called Greezy Wheels. They are either an Austin institution or they should be institutionalised, because decades after their turn as darlings of the Austin music scene, they're still turnin' it loose with the best of them. The fiddler, Sweet Mary, was in my band in New York City, and she is still a regular Shostakovich with a bow. I find myself humming along in a fine castrato every time I hear her play.
• greezywheels.com

Favourite homestyle restaurant

There are quite a few homestyle restaurants in Austin. Down-home cooking is a natural part of the Texas environment, much like football and Billy Joe Shaver, so there are many good ones, like Threadgill's and Hoover's Cooking. For my pesos, the best of the best is The Frisco Shop, the last bastion of Harry Akin's Night Hawk restaurant chain. It was my late Dad's favourite, too. Tom knew every waitress, and they all knew Tom. They also knew not to seat Tom at the wrong table. ("Why don't you just put us IN the kitchen?"). Place your bet on the sirloin strip and the chili cheese fries. It's the only bet I never lose.
• 6801 Burnet Rd, +1 512 459 6279 thefriscoaustin.com. Open Tue-Sat 7am-10pm, Sun-Mon 7am-9pm

Favourite political haunt

Believe me, the best place to find out what's going on in our state government is not the back hallways of the Capitol. It's Cisco's Bakery, where for decades folks like Lyndon Johnson, Kris Kristofferson, legendary Texas football coach Darrell Royal, and yours truly have sucked down Bloody Marys and huevos rancheros as we've talked up what's to be done to make Texas even bigger and better. Some of the best political ploys of the past 60 years have been hatched over Cisco's biscuits, although I'm still not getting much traction for my proposal, the annexation of Cuba.
• 1511 E 6th St, +1 512 478 2420. Open daily 7am-2.30pm

• Musician and author Kinky Friedman's Bi-Polar Tour kicks off in Kansas City, Missouri, on 30 November, kinkyfriedman.com