If you're a female wine drinker, Barton O'Brien would like to make your acquaintance. Even if he can't, he'd like you to spend $30 on a bottle of his wine next time you're in the States. Barton is the man behind Seduction (seductionwine.com), a Napa Valley blend of Cabernet Sauvignon and Merlot that he created for his wife, Barb (bless), and all you laydeez out there.
I've never tasted it, but the back label promises a red that's 'voluptuous, with sensual flavours and a velvet kiss'. As if that weren't enough of a turn-on, Seduction comes wrapped in something that looks like a negligée. Pass me the smelling salts. 'Women,' Barton told the New York Times with a lascivious wink, 'are into mouth-feel and a long finish.' And you thought the art of romance was dead ...
The O'Briens clearly think they've spotted a marketing niche. Their West Coast winery is now offering romance tours ('finish with an intimate picnic of artisan cheeses and breads') at $30 a go. Apparently, there's a discount for groups, which might appeal to the more adventurous wine tourist.
Seduction is tame stuff compared to something called Infierno, a Spanish red that was launched in 2002 and disappeared faster than you can say premature ejaculation. Infierno was about as subtle as hard-core porn and only slightly more tasteful. If I tell you that its ad slogan was 'lip opener' and its website oralsatisfaction.co.uk, you may not be surprised that it bombed. A much funnier seduction wine was an Aussie sparkler called René Pogel. Produced by Yalumba in the 1980s, the wine did rather well for a while. Most people assumed that the eponymous René was a French émigré living somewhere in South Australia and dreaming of home. It was only when people realised that the brand name was Leg Opener spelled backwards that René Pogel had to be withdrawn.
What is the ideal seduction wine? The ultra-smooth French footballer David Ginola once told me that he favours Alsace Vendange Tardive sweet wines, but when you look as good as he does you could probably serve a woman three pints of Guinness and still end up in her arms.
I asked three female friends what sort of wine they found sexy. 'Anything that costs more than £100 in a restaurant,' one of them replied. 'Smart champagne,' said another. 'Red Burgundy,' said the third. Mind you, all of them agreed that while wine was important, fancying the bloke who'd bought it was more so, however much cash he'd flashed.
So there you have it, guys. As Valentine's Day approaches, I reckon you should get hold of a great bottle of fizz or Pinot Noir, although a wonderful rosé or sweet wine might be a useful back-up. Better still, you might want to book a flight to San Francisco. An hour and half's drive to the north, Barb, Barton and Seduction awaits.
Red
2005 Cono Sur Pinot Noir
£4.99, Morrison's/Safeway, Asda, Majestic, Oddbins, Sainsbury's, Thresher, Waitrose, Tesco, Somerfield
If you're thinking quantity, this elegant, strawberryish Chilean red from the brilliant Adolfo Hurtado is the best sub-£5 Pinot Noir in the country.
2003 Little Yering Pinot Noir, Yarra Valley
£6.99, The Co-op
A step up from the Cono Sur, this oak-aged Aussie Pinot from the Yarra Valley is soft and seductive with a core of wild strawberry fruit.
2004 Felton Road Pinot Noir, Central Otago
£24.95, Berry Brothers, 0870 900 4300
Felton Road isn't quite the bargain it once was, but it's still one hell of a Pinot Noir. This is ripe and fruity with notes of brambles and plums and sweet oak.
2000 Nuits St Georges, Premier Cru Murgers, Cathiard
£28.75, Stone, Vine & Sun, 01962 712351
Sylvain Cathiard makes some of my favourite red Burgundies. This is an elegant, ready-to-drink Pinot Noir with sweet, leafy, truffle and raspberry-like flavours.
White
2003 Almond Grove Noble Late Harvest Riesling, Robertson £5.99, Majestic; buy two save £2)
A rich, raisin and honey-scented Cape Riesling with more than enough acidity to cut through the sweetness. A dessert wine with flavour to burn.
2004 Tesco Finest Alsace Gewurztraminer
£6.99, Tesco
OK, it's not a Vendange Tardive, but this spicy, creamy, off-dry Alsace Gewurz is still a great seduction wine. Even if you're not David Ginola.
2001 Cuvée Jeanne Elise Viognier, Pierre Gaillard
£21.50 per half, H&H Bancroft, 020 7232 5440
A heavenly sweet wine from the Rhône made from tiny quantities of dried grapes, this is an inordinately sexy, apricot-scented elixir.
1995 Tokaji Aszú 5 Puttonyos, Disznoko
£21.99 per 50cl, Oddbins
For the more traditional seducer, this is a mature, tea-leafy, complex Tokaj with a thrilling balance between raisined sweetness and tangy acidity.
Rosé
Marqués de Monistrol Cava Reserva Rosé
£6.49, Waitrose; £4.86 from February 6 to March 6
Two bottles for under a tenner at the reduced price. If you're a cheap date, you won't do any better than this.
Fizz
Champagne Premier Cru Brut Tradition, Larmandier-Bernier
£17.95, Vine Trail, 0117 921 1770.
A brilliant value organically-grown blend of 80 per cent Chardonnay and 20 per cent Pinot Noir, which finishes with an appealingly dry flourish.
2001 Oudinot Champagne
£19.99, Marks & Spencer
An all-Chardonnay bubbly from the Côte des Blancs, this ripe, creamy wine is showing some attractive bottle-aged characters.
GH Mumm Brut Rosé Champagne
£27.99, sainsburyswine.co.uk; £29.99, Oddbins;
If you can't afford Laurent Perrier or Billecart-Salmon, this rosehip and raspberry fruity champagne is a very good substitute. The Pinot Noir really sings in the glass.
