Pizza Hut
Pavarotti: 'We don't take bookings.' Not even for Pavarotti? 'I'm sorry but we don't reserve tables.' Do you offer large portions? 'We do a large pizza that usually serves four, but we've got lots of deals on so he'll be able to eat as much as he likes.'
Kate Moss: 'We don't make reservations.' Say it's for Kate Moss. 'There will be no problem finding her a table.' Can you give the calorific breakdown of each item? 'No, we are not provided with that information on the stock, but I could try to find out for her.'
Paula Radcliffe: Ask to reserve a table for Paula Radcliffe. 'No need, just come in.' Do you have anything suitable for a marathon runnner? 'We do a medium pizza and a light pizza that she might like.' Any extra leg room? 'No. Big tables are only for large parties.'
Pizza Express
Pavarotti: 'Yes, that's cool. Non-smoking, I assume.' Can he order extra-large pizzas? 'We don't do bigger portions. We only do an 11-inch pizza, but he can order as many as he wants.' Can he sing? 'Of course, that's not a problem.'
Kate Moss: 'We only make reservations for a party over seven.' Clarify it's for Kate Moss. 'We will find a table for her wherever she wants.' She will want to know how many calories are in each pizza. 'The manager will happily answer all her questions.'
Paula Radcliffe: 'We don't take bookings I'm afraid.' Say it's for Paula Radcliffe. 'Erm, bear with me one moment.' Man whispers 'apparently she's a marathon runner'. 'We'll make a reservation this time, but it's not Pizza Express policy.'
Ask
Pavarotti: 'Yes, that's fine.' Inquire about portion size. 'The pizzas are large, and the pasta dishes are generous. He could have a main course as a starter.' Is it OK if he sings? 'It shouldn't be too busy tonight so that's fine.'
Kate Moss: Ask for table for Kate Moss. 'No problem.' She watches her calories, so can she have the pizza topping without the pizza? 'I have to ask the chef.' Put on hold. 'I'm afraid we can't do that.'
Paula Radcliffe: 'Paula Radcliffe? Of course. Non-smoking I presume.' Can you cater for an athlete? 'She can bring in her own pasta if she wants. But we've got a really carbohydrate based menu - that's good for running isn't it?'
