Breakfast

Drink: Water from the tap. Directly from the tap, the bathroom tap, with your head all tilted in the basin.

Food: Nothing.

Exercise: 1 portion of energetic and outlandish sex with a man who is: a) much too young for you; b) addicted to dating models (but made an exception for you mainly because he had the ol' Martini goggles on, when you picked each other up at the launch of some hipster tequila dive bar or other); c) a self-professed commitment-phobe; d) a self-confessed marriage-o-maniac; or e) a woman.

Indulgence: 1 post-coital Marlboro Light.

Brunch

Drink: 1 Bloody Mary, 1 cup of extremely strong coffee.

Food: Order 1 full brunch - a meal that is designed to look insanely calorific, but which actually doesn't come even close to containing enough nutritional value to mess with the delicate metabolism on which a fragile, girlish, bird-like size zero frame depends. Egg-white only omelette, grilled everything, no actual carbs. Semi-spoil the lot when it arrives, with copious lashings of Tabasco. This will ensure that you don't actually eat anything anyway. Remember the SATC diet mantra: 'order fashionably, eat sparingly.'

Exercise: It is important to get into the habit of gesticulating frantically when conversing over a meal. This will a) give you a thorough upper body workout, and b) ensure that if you accidentally do put a fragment of food on your fork with the intention of (gasp!) actually eating it, it'll fly off before it ever reaches your mouth. (Gesticulating also looks cute and fanciful and detracts from the prurient nature of your monologuing.)

Mid-morning snack

1 Marlboro Light, smoked expressively.

Lunch

Drink: 1 vodka-tini (ideally in the company of a difficult and complicated once-and-future-love interest; the nerves and adrenaline generated by such an interlude will boost your metabolic rate nicely).

Food: The olive in the vodka-tini. On this diet, much of your food intake will come in the form of Stuff Floating In Drinks. The flakes of chocolate on a skinny cappuccino; the celery in your daily Bloody Mary; the mint in your mojito, et cetera.

Pudding: 3 Marlboro Lights.

Mid-afternoon snack

Buy two wittily decorated cupcakes from the most fashionable bakery of the season. Do not eat. Take two measured sniffs at the icing, discard before you're tempted to lick anything. Alternatively, invest in a good looking baguette and walk round with it protruding saucily from the top of a shopping bag. Bread is great - as an accessory.

Pre-dinner snack

2 small salted pretzels; 1 vodka-tini, the olive from said vodka-tini; and anything else you find floating in your cocktail ...

Dinner with married people

Warning: this is a minefield for anyone on the SATC diet. Married people are feeders by nature, they do not fear carbohydrates, they get offended if you only eat half of everything, and they do not understand the importance of Stuff Floating In Drinks. (This is partly because they've all but forgotten the importance of Drinks.) Beware the following: bread on side plates! Mash! Sauces! Married people love them.

Food: Focus on the protein element of any dish, ignore everything else; also focus on the smug undertones of the conversations going on around you, which should be sufficiently nauseating to stop you eating completely. For days.

Drink: Whatever you can get your hands on.