Jamie and Jools Oliver

The Ritz: Jamie would like the Palm Court covered in red roses. 'We wouldn't be able to do that.' You couldn't make an exception? 'No, sorry. If he wanted to hire a private room, we could cover that in roses.'

The Parlour at Sketch: Jamie and Jools would like to pop in for afternoon tea on Valentine's Day. 'We don't take reservations, but for Jamie, we will make an exception.'

Bettys Café Tea Rooms: I would like to book a table for Jamie and Jools Oliver. 'I'm sorry we do not take bookings.' Not even for Jamie? 'Customers queue for a table, but let us know when he is going to be here and we'll get someone to queue for him.'

Nigella Lawson and Charles Saatchi

The Ritz: Nigella and Charles would like to come in for tea. Can you bake them a heart-shaped cake? 'We can make a cake but I am afraid we are fully booked.' Can you make an exception for Nigella? 'We can book them in at 3.30pm.'

The Parlour at Sketch: Do you have a piano? Charles wants to serenade Nigella. 'You would need to book the entire parlour.' What about with a violin? 'Hold the line ... No, I'm sorry ... hold the line ... The manager says they can bring a violinist.'

Bettys Café Tea Rooms: Charles would like a love song played to Nigella on the piano. 'I suggest they go to our other tea room. They have a piano player from 6pm. They don't take bookings, but if they call ahead, someone could queue for them.'

Gordon and Tana Ramsay

The Ritz: Gordon Ramsay wants rose petals scattered all over the tea room when he brings his wife to the Ritz on Valentine's Day. 'There won't be any decorations, and no exceptions are going to be made.'

The Parlour at Sketch: Gordon Ramsay wants rose petals scattered everywhere. 'I'm not sure if that's possible ... But we are always willing to accommodate special guests ... it shouldn't be a problem. Would he want the room exclusively?'

Bettys Café Tea Rooms: Gordon Ramsay wants rose petals on the floor of the tea room? 'I'm sorry, but we do not allocate tables so we wouldn't allow that. Scattering rose petals would impinge too much on our other customers.'

The Ritz, London Tel: 020 7493 8181
The Parlour at Sketch, London Tel: 0870 777 4488
Bettys Café Tea Rooms, York And Harrogate Tel: 01423 505 604