1 You are a Turkey Twizzler. Jamie Oliver is your nemesis. But he would never have foiled your evil scheme to destroy the health of the nation's children had he not had help from a trusty dinner-lady sidekick. What is her name?
2Your are Jools Oliver. Jamie is your husband. Which of the following things have you not revealed about yourself this year?
a) That your family Christmas routine involves you dancing for your husband with only a pair of 'jingle bells' to cover your dignity.
b) That you make your children take their own fruit to parties.
c) That you wear surgical gloves when cleaning up your baby's poo.
3 You are a star. You have spent your life gallivanting around Europe honouring the finest restaurants with your connoisseur's judgment. This year you went to New York for the first time. What sort of star are you?
4 You are Anthony Flinn. You are the distressingly young chef at the restaurant that scooped the Observer Food Monthly restaurant of the year award. Where do you work?
5You are a snail. You apply to work in the best restaurant in the world (as named in April by Restaurant magazine). You are hired and put to work in the kitchen. You do not survive for long. Who is your boss and what is your job?
6You are a celebrity chef and a sex symbol. In July you perform a humiliating public act, described by one horrified onlooker as 'like watching your mum trying to breakdance', for a reported £100,000. Who are you and what did you do? (And what were you thinking?)
7You are a peanut. In April you come from nowhere to take the salted snack market by storm thanks to a £5m ad campaign fronted by a man with a silly name. What is your favourite 70s rock band?
8You are a complex carbohydrate. You have had a good year. Everybody who is anybody wants to eat you. Why?
9You are a woman. You are an admirer of foul-mouthed male chefs and believe their every word. In October you find yourself in mortal danger. What do you not bother doing to save your life and why?
10You are a molecule of carcinogenic dye. Normally you live in petrol and shoe polish. But in February you go on holiday to British supermarkets, staying in everything from cottage pies to prawn salads. What is you name and what do you travel in?
11You are the great British public. On what sort of food did you foolishly spend £18 billion this year?
12You are a clown. White face paint, red nose, big shoes, the works. Kids love you. This year you had a radical makeover in Japan. Who are you and what happened to you?
13 You are an inexpensive noodle. You make yourself available in a chain of restaurants across London. Why, in September, was posh Japanese eatery Nobu eyeing you enviously?
14You are one gram of salt. What, according to a government campaign launched this year, is the maximum number of times you should be eaten per day?
15 You are a pound. You have seven friends. Where, on average, was at least one of you spent on food this year?
16You are a chicken with a nasty cold. You are wandering the streets of London looking for a warm place to spend the night. In which of the following places do you run the lowest risk of being killed in your sleep and eaten? Why?
a) Le Roussillon,
b) The Ivy,
c) Le Gavroche
17You are Gérard Depardieu. You are bored with acting and decide to publish a cookbook. You give it an imaginative title. What is it?
18You are the proprietor of a Finnish restaurant in Paris. Your next-door neighbour is a British beef salesman. Why might the two of you have bonded this year?
19You are lamb. You are fed to the leaders of the seven richest nations on earth (plus Russia). Which of the following are you served with?
a) Aubergine caviar,
b) Parmesan polenta,
c) Chips, d) Peas
20You are a cocktail waiter in Santa Barbara. One of your regulars comes in and, in a rather high-pitched voice, orders a 'Jesus Juice'. What do you serve him?
