The Gaucho Grill chain
Kylie Minogue
I want to book a table for Kylie Minogue. She is on a detox. 'No problem, we have grilled prawns with a mayo sauce.' She can't eat dairy- oh, and she only eats yellow vegetables? 'No problem, we can do that.'
Johnny Vegas
'...So he wants nothing with oil, or starchy carbs, only yellow and green vegetables cooked in mineral water... I think you should call back when I have checked our facilities...'
Carole Caplin
Ms Caplin can eat only green and yellow salad. 'That should be fine.' How is the veg cooked? 'That is a good question. I will check with the kitchen... Give me a list of all her requirements and I will call you back.'
Pizza Express chain
Kylie Minogue
'Of course, Kylie can order off menu.' She can't eat wheat. 'What about the pollo salad?' How is the chicken cooked? 'It's frozen then we serve it cooked in hot water.' In mineral water? [Goes to check] 'It's actually grilled.'
Johnny Vegas
'Well madam, if he can't eat dairy I do not advise the pizza. We could do a green salad.' No, he's not allowed greens. Could you order in yellow and red vegetables? 'We can't do this madam.' You can't make an exception? 'Not really, no.'
Carole Caplin
'...she only eats green and yellow vegetables? We could do cucumber and green pepper salad.' Grilled tuna? 'No, it's tinned. We just can't magic things up if they're not on the menu. Does she have any idea what Pizza Express is like?'
The Wolseley, London W1
Kylie Minogue
'We can do fish and salads without dressing.' Can it be kept separate from other meat and fish so that it's as pure as possible? 'Fine.' She only eats vegetables cooked in mineral water. 'I will tell the chef to sort it.'
Johnny Vegas
'He can't eat off menu, but everyone is trained to advise him properly. Why don't you have a look at the menu on the website to see if it suits? We can do vegetables, grilled fish with no oil, or steak frites without frites.'
Carole Caplin
Do you do lots of green vegetables? 'Erm, we have a wide selection.' They can't be coloured. 'OK... we have french beans, spinach, sprouts.' Can they be washed in mineral water? 'Er, we'll let her know when she comes in.'
