Margherita

Co-op Irresistible Margherita
495g, £4.99, co-operativefood.co.uk
An oozing pizza … A real Friday night treat. As delicious as you would get from Domino’s. Sad they’ve gone down the pesto route but they’ve pulled it back.
★★★★

Asda Extra Special Buffalo Mozzarella & Sunblush Tomato
372g, £3.50, asda.com
Gorgeous; appealing placement of little tomatoes. The only downside is pesto – devil’s snot, the last refuge of the scoundrel.
★★★★

Ocado Gold Buffalo Mozzarella & Tomato
465g, £5, ocado.com
Lacking in much taste of anything. Quite stingy on topping. The base is spongy. The kind of pizza you want to add things to.
★★

Pizza Express Margherita
240g, £2.50, pizzaexpress.com
Weird looking. Not much bang for your carbohydrate buck. A pizza base waiting for a meaning.
★

Pepperoni

Tesco Stone Baked Pepperoni
304g, £3.60, tesco.com
Deepest colour and generous topping, but not much going on. A damp squib of a pepperoni.
★★★

Chef Select Stone Baked Pepperoni
351g, £1.99, lidl.co.uk
The oil is collecting in pools, like the surface of a haunted planet. After half a bottle of vino collapso, it would probably be OK.
★★

Waitrose Stone Baked & Hand Stretched Pepperoni
385g, £3, waitrose.com
You can see through the topping. A nod to herbs. It would make an Italian depressed.
★★

Pizza Express American
250g, £2.50, pizzaexpress.com
The runt of the litter. Underseasoned; unappetising. Nothing about it tastes fresh.
★

Ham and mushroom

Specially Selected Italian Ham, Mushroom & Mascarpone
591g, £3.09, aldi.co.uk
Actually delicious. The mascarpone has become a sort of irresistible bechamel. It’s a serious looking, rustic pizza.
★★★★★

Co-op Irresistible Wood Fired Ham, Mushroom & Mascarpone
515g, £4.99, co-operativefood.co.uk
Really decadent. The tomato base is sweeter and appealingly crimson. A crowd pleaser.
★★★★★

Marks & Spencer Prosciutto Cotto & Funghi
509g, £6, marksandspencer.com
Very sloppy. That mushroom sauce is good, there’s almost a porcini paté taste about it. I’d be tempted to pass it off as my own.
★★★

Waitrose Stone Baked Mushroom, Bacon & Mascarpone
440g, £4.50, waitrose.com
I like that they’ve done bacon. A little like breakfast; only a suggestion of mushroom.
★★

Vegetable

Waitrose 1 Wood Fired Roasted Vegetable & Pesto
530g, £5.59, waitrose.com
Blimey! Looks amazing: tons of colour. But it doesn’t taste of all the things you’d think – the pesto overpowers everything.
★★★★

Marks & Spencer Wood Fired Chargrilled Vegetable & Basil Pesto
476g, £6, marksandspencer.com
The crust has pretty much dissolved under watery unappetising slop and big pesto blobs.
★★

Deluxe Chargrilled Vegetable & Pesto
600g, £3.09, lidl.co.uk
No discernible seasoning. It’s vegetarian food like this that makes people go back to eating meat.
★★

Tesco Stone Baked Chargrilled Vegetable
352g, £3.60, tesco.com
Home-ec ratatouille on Mother’s Pride. Serve to your enemy.
★

Hawaiian

Waitrose Hand Stretched, Thin & Crispy Ham & Pineapple
410g, £3, waitrose.com
An attractive pizza. Actually pretty decent. Quite rustic and nicely seasoned.There’s no shame in this.
★★★★

Tesco Stonebaked Ham & Pineapple
315g, £3.60, tesco.com
Bit of a meagre topping. After a few glasses of wine, that wouldn’t offend anybody.
★★

Asda Ham & Pineapple Thin Stonebaked 10” Pizza
342g, £2.30, asda.com
Needs more generous seasoning. Domino’s won’t have sleepless nights over losing my trade.
★★

Ocado Thin & Crispy Ham & Pineapple
425g, £2.50, ocado.com
A sickly sweet fruit cocktail spooned onto a dissolving base. The overall appearance is kind of revolting.
No stars

Cheese and tomato

Essential Waitrose Thin & Crispy Cheese & Tomato
250g, £2.60, waitrose.com
Has the comforting taste of a northern 80s childhood; what I thought pizza was for the first 18 years of my life. Perfectly decent, a good base to zhuzh up.
★★★

Asda Stone Baked Cheese Meltdown
319g, £2.60, asda.com
Deeply unattractive. The sauce has a tinned spaghetti taste. It would make a good child’s supper if you didn’t particularly like the child.
★★

Morrisons Savers Cheese & Tomato
220g, £1.15, morrisons.com
Pizza only really in rough definition. A spongy base; nothing to do with Italy. What all pizza will be like after Brexit.
★

Tesco Everyday Value Cheese & Tomato
300g, £1, tesco.com
Possibly the worst thing I’ve ever put in my mouth and that is saying something. A car crash.
No stars