In an age that celebrates global free trade there are still times when we can be grateful that not everything is available everywhere. One of those times is now, Christmas of 2022. Because it means that try as I might – which, to be fair, is not very hard – I’ve been unable to taste for myself the extraordinary cultural artefact that is Christmas pudding flavoured Spam. Or to use its correct name, SPAM® Figgy Pudding, “with notes of cinnamon and nutmeg combined with fig and orange flavours”, and I assume, humping wafts of desperation. Apparently “you’ll taste true holiday comfort that will have you carolling all season long”. Are you absolutely sure about that?
We are not meant to knock that which we haven’t tried. Personally, however, I put Christmas pudding flavoured Spam in the same category as foot fetishism or voting Conservative. I know it happens. I know that’s how some people get their jollies. But I’m having nothing to do with it, thank you very much. While festive Spam may not be readily available here, there are lots of other god-awful edible festive trinkets which we can also not try. Yes, it’s time for my occasional roundup of what I call When New Product Development Goes Bad. Pity the normally sane food professionals who have completely lost their minds in March, when ordered to devise yet another bunch of products that bellow Christmas. Some of these have been around for a few Christmases but like a fungal infection, and just as welcome, they keep returning.
Let’s hear it for the Tesco Finest team who thought Christmas pudding flavour crisps were a good idea. Listed among the ingredients is sugar. That’s never a good thing in a crisp. I did enjoy the meagre two-star review given because there was “no Christmas pudding flavour”. I’d have given it five stars for that alone. Sainsbury’s answer to what is clearly a stupid question is figs in blankets crisps. Made with “real fig juice powder”. Why not pair it with Christmas pudding flavour cheese from the Chuckling Cheese company? Or don’t.
Of course, the real spirit of Christmas lies in the noble pig in a blanket. Only ideally without any pig. This year Asda has limited edition pigs in blankets flavoured chicken nuggets, which clearly haven’t even nodded at a pig. Better still you can get pigs in blankets flavoured Bisto, which is entirely suitable for vegetarians. As are turkey and stuffing flavour veggie puffs by the Foodie Market, available from Aldi.
What we have here is the subtle transformation of what were once merely nice dishes occasionally associated with Christmas into fully fledged edible signifiers. You thought it was all about little donkeys and wise men? Pah! The true spirit of Christmas is embodied in the act of wrapping a chipolata in bacon or, failing that, coming up with a flavouring mix that approximates various festive joys. Which is how we get to the Scottish ice-cream and confectionery company Mackie’s offering of Boxing Day curry “festive flavour” crisps. Perhaps Mackie’s sounds a little unobtainable. Never fear, because Tesco has you covered with its Boxing Day curry coated peanuts.
But something is missing here, isn’t it: Yuletide ambience. Sadly, Aldi seems to have withdrawn last year’s Christmas meat candles. That’s candles stinking of turkey and stuffing or, naturally enough, pigs in blankets. Happily, some are available on eBay. Or to get that authentic Christmas smell, you could just get the Essential Waitrose thick bleach. Scented with “mulled spice”. I’m sure it’s what the baby Jesus would have wanted. But then I’m a Jewish atheist, so what the hell do I know?
